Unease

It's nice reading old posts, about enthusiasm for life, feeling at home in Melbourne. Those posts are quite old now, about a year and a half have past. Just now I was supposed to do yoga. It's Sunday morning, a beautiful morning. Though I feel far away from the beauty, far away from the morning. I couldn't practice. Too much clutter on my mind. Way too much stuff around. Maybe it's time for a ever so little journey to the mountains, clear my thoughts and create space for yoga and meditation. Then I'm thinking, while sipping tea, what does that mean? Will I not be able to live in the city again? In an apartment beyond ground floor? At least it will be my place, not borrowed, not temporary like this. However I'm curious. I'm not sure where my home is. I've always thought that home is within myself. This felt right while travelling, while living so far away. Then coming home, I feel my inner home is leaving me. Is this because the home here and my home are trying to make friends, or am I losing the home I have created over the years? This home here is quite strong, beautiful too, I'm just not sure if it fits anymore. I'm remembering another borrowed home, in Italy, how beautiful it was, how open it was. Open for anything I felt. This feeling would be amazing to create again. Being close to nature, feeling that outside and inside are almost the same. In, out, in, out. There's a notion of freedom just there.

I am seeking freedom,at the same time I'm applying for work. Is this a contradiction? I'm contemplation on doing freelance work again. I mean it's in the name. Many thoughts around it, but why not try!? Why not try it all! I just need a challenge I think, my my brain tired and crazy so the body too can relax on a Sunday morning.